


You're a Clean Slate

by PuppiesRainbowsSadism



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, human!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 08:10:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2500760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuppiesRainbowsSadism/pseuds/PuppiesRainbowsSadism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It was never a problem before … well, before. Because before, Castiel was an angel — powerful beyond belief but a gentle creature by choice. But now …</p><p>"Now Cas noticed the little things. . . . He longed for power once again . . . "</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're a Clean Slate

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HandsAcrossTheSea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandsAcrossTheSea/gifts).



> Prompt fill for skywalkingsamwinchester @ tumblr: Castiel feeling inadequate beside Sam, and Sam reassuring him that he loves him exactly as he is.
> 
> (I know it's been a while, hun, but I was transferring some of these from tumblr and . . . idk I guess I thought you might need to see this again.)
> 
> Title from Sylvia Plath's "You're."

It was never a problem before … well, _before_. Because _before_ , Castiel was an angel — powerful beyond belief but a gentle creature by choice. But now …

Now Cas noticed the little things:  The strain of simply hold a heavy door open, the burn in his legs from walking uphill, the pain in his chest as he gasped for air that he now required. He was still a gentle creature, but out of obligation. He longed for power once again, but no matter how he altered his diet or his exercise routine, it was never enough. It would never be the same.

Part of the problem, he knew, was the company he kept. Not so much Dean — who didn’t excercise unless it was necessary and hadn’t willingly eaten healthily a day in his life — but _Sam_. Cas hated to call Sam a _problem_ , as he consciously knew that his own insecurities were no fault of Sam’s in the least. Still, Cas couldn’t help using him as a basis for comparison. If Cas were to become powerful once again, he had to do so by human standards, afterall, which meant surpassing Sam in all of his physical qualities. The problem here being that Cas never really noticed how far ahead Sam really was beyond appreciating the contours of his muscles in the privacy of their bedroom, but now that he was looking, Cas noticed that he was a full head shorter than his hunter. Not to mention the bulk of his arms or the cut of his abs or any other part of Sam, really. Including (as sexual power was not to be overlooked), Sam’s cock, which was long and thick and considerably larger than Cas’s own in terms of surface area.

And it wasn’t just appearance either. It was the displays of Sam’s strength that really got to Cas. Watching Sam carry three people at once from a building or shoving a bookshelf off himself — it all went to Cas’s head, and it showed.

If Sam noticed — and he undoubtedly did — he didn’t say anything until Cas was at the point of pushing away his advances. Previously, Sam would push Cas against a wall and pin him there with his hips, or else spread him out on the bed and hold his hands above his head, or some other display of non-violent force that used to get Cas’s blood pumping like nothing else. It was allowance and tolerance:  Cas could easily break Sam’s hold if he so chose, and on several occasions, he did, often even switching their positions until he was the one in charge of the situation. But Cas couldn’t do that anymore. The first time Sam tried to carry him somewhere, Cas almost panicked, because as much as he struggled, he couldn’t get free. He wasn’t strong enough against his husband — the epitome of physical strength — and likely never would be.

"Cas?" Sam asked worriedly as soon as he realised that Cas’s struggled were genuine. He immediately set the former angel on his feet and moved to give him some room, but Cas clinged to his neck desperately. He didn’t like this feeling, this hollowness inside his chest, like an anesthetic in his heart, and even if Sam made the feeling worse, he didn’t knowwhat else to do, who else to go to with these feelings.

"Cas, what’s wrong?" Sam whispered, the concern evident in his voice.

"I feel," Cas started, his voice muffled by Sam’s shoulder. It didn’t escape his notice that Sam had to bend in order for the embrace to work. He felt weak. Exposed, like a nerve. Vulnerable, powerless, useless … "Inadequate."

Sam didn’t question his feellings. He didn’t ask why Cas felt this way or when it started or why he didn’t say anything. He didn’t even ask how Cas felt inadequate. He just whispered, “Can I take you to our room?” And at Cas’s nod, Sam picked him up and did so, setting him on the edge of the bed before pulling away. Cas noticed that Sam knelt down so they could see each other eye-to-eye, and he sat up a little straighter.

"I want to tell you not to feel inadequate," Sam started softly. "But I know that won’t help anything. So," he took Cas’s hands between his own and raised them to his lips, kissing each finger individually. Cas shivered when Sam kissed his wedding ring reverently. "Talk to me."

The words spilled forth without Cas having to think, and he spilled everything he felt and some things he didn’t know he was feeling until he put words to them. “You’re so … and I’m … _not_ " was about as eloquent as he got, but Sam seemed to understand if his melancholy expression and slumped shoulders meant anything.

"Cas," Sam breathed when he was finished, gripping Cas’s hands tightly. "I love you, so so much. I mean, there’s a reason I married you," he laughed softly, and Cas couldn’t help but smile a little. "You know how much I look up to you. I always have and I always will. It’s - y’know, it’s all about perspective. I mean, I might seem all strong and powerful to you, but you know me. I’m a big softie. And you … _God_ , Cas you’re so strong. Like, emotionally. You keep going no matter what’s trying to hold you back. And you’re so _so_ smart. For God’s sake, you used to be an angel. You know pretty much everything!”

Cas ducked his head. When Sam put it that way, his insecurities seemed silly.

"Hey. Look at me, please."

Cas begrudgingly raised his eyes to meet Sam’s. Sam wove their fingers together and squeezed, his matching ring digging into Cas’s hand. It was reassuring.

"It’s okay to feel this way. That part of what being human is about. You just can’t let it get to you. Okay? It’s fine to try and better yourself, but do it on your terms, not on someone else’s."

Not for the first time, nor the last, Cas wished Sam would follow his own advice. But that was a discussion for a different time. Now, he just kissed Sam with a thanks between his lips.


End file.
